


The Hero Olympus Deserves (But Definitely Not The One It Needs Right Now)

by BumbleBat



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: And Apollo Is The Biggest Dork Of All, And That's Why Apollo Isn't Trusted Around Superheroes, Apollo And Hermes Are BroTP, Attempt at Humor, Gen, Hades Is A Dork, Hermes Is Done To Death, LITERALLY, Persephone Is A Bigger Dork, Will Probably Add More Characters As Story Goes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-15 22:02:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8074294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BumbleBat/pseuds/BumbleBat
Summary: What happens when Apollo connects one brooding cave-dwelling rich guy to another?Nothing good, that's for sure. Hermes needs a drink.





	

Being a god is hard. It’s hard and nobody understands.

A millennia of first-hand experience had squarely cemented this thought in Hermes’ brain. He was certain that after a week, even the most ambitious of mortals would turn tail if offered the chance of immortality. It just wasn’t worth it. 

There was the constant pressure of immortal duties (between the delivery workers’ strikes and Iris’s impromptu getaway, he was working triple this month), the constant weariness of heavenly politics (apparently he didn’t care enough about Zeus and Poseidon’s latest pissing contest), but the real migraine inducer was living with this family for eternity.

The Olympians did love each other, even if they sometimes showed it in…unusual ways, but there was no denying the daily shows of pettiness and rivalry that dominated the throne room. Usually Hermes, being a clear-eyed and intelligent entrepreneur, was quite able to resist joining in with the feuds, but occasionally even his patience was tested. 

Later, he would wonder why he always forgot how “Apollo” and “losing it” went hand in hand…

 

It was a typical day in Olympus. Jaw-dropping beauty, nymphs and satyrs lounging in the sunshine, Zeus and Hera “making up” in the back of the throne room. Nothing unusual. Hermes flew lazily over the blooming gardens, enjoying a rare moment of leisure, when he noticed his golden-haired older brother staring morosely at a broken lyre.

He landed in front of him. “Morning, Apollo,” he said cheerfully. “Need that taken in?”

Apollo started and squinted up at him. “Oh, no,” he sighed. “It’s just… a reminder.”

Hermes blinked. “Reminder of what?”

“Well,” Apollo said, looking back down at his lyre, “Artemis claims I am incapable of thinking in a serious and not self-absorbed manner. I tried to explain to her that being so completely awesome requires a lot of thought and planning, but she never listens! So she gave me this lyre and told me to spend ten minutes every day trying to reflect on something bigger than myself. Telling me to reflect! I am the god of music and poetry! Soulful reflection is in my blood!”

Hermes rolled his eyes. Artemis’s optimism concerning her twin continued to amaze him. It was so uncharacteristically impractical of her. He lay back on the grassy hill and closed his eyes. He did have time to kill, and Apollo wasn’t bad company, really, as long as he wasn’t reciting poetry.

Apollo continued to stare deeply into the lyre. How dare his sister imply he was incapable of being serious! He, the great Apollo, was capable of anything! Miraculous feats of medicine, heartbreaking works of art, charming any young lady he desired…well, almost any. Why, he was one of the few gods who wasn’t afraid to cavort with regular mortals! This train of thought took him back to the previous week, when he’d dazzled a beautiful pop sensation by taking her to a hip new movie theater in France. The choice was going to be some foreign film so boring he thought Athena might like it, but he used his influence to change it to something more…exciting. 

“Hey, Hermes?” he called. “Have you seen the new Batman movie yet?”

Hermes opened a wary eye. “Apollo, are you reading comic books again? Because you know how you get after reading comic books. Do I need to remind you of the Aquaman incident—“

“No!” Apollo said quickly, shoving down any memories of that particular day—It wasn’t his fault those sea serpents were so touchy, dammit!—and sitting up to look a suspicious Hermes in the eye. “I’m just asking; it was a good movie!”

“Oh,” Hermes yawned, settling back on the hill. “No, I haven’t had time to see a movie in ages. You saw it, I’m guessing?”

Apollo nodded. “Though, I was never a huge fan of Batman,” he mused. “He always seemed so weird to me. I mean, a rich guy living in some huge cave, only wearing black and coming out at night with this obsession with justice—OH MY GODS.”

Hermes shot up. “What! What is it?”

Apollo’s eyes were huge. He grabbed Hermes’s shoulders and shook him.  
“Hermes, Hades is Batman!”

 

“I can’t believe you got me to agree to this,” Hermes said flatly.

“Shhhhhh,” Apollo hissed. He looked ridiculous in his “ninja outfit”—god, Hermes hoped this haiku phase would be over soon—and was peering over the wall into Persephone’s garden. “I needed you to get into the Underworld, now shut up. I’ve sighted his accomplice Poison Ivy.”

“What are you—Poison Ivy isn’t even—“

“Oh, hey guys!” a warm voice interrupted. “Apollo, what are you doing here? You don’t normally visit.” Persephone appeared, brushing soil off her hands. Her wavy red hair was pulled in a high ponytail, and though long months of darkness had given her freckled skin an unfamiliar pallor, her green eyes were warm and bright above her smile. “I’ll tell Hades to put down his papers and come out for a bit. Would you like something to drink? Nothing that’s been produced here, of course.”

She waved her hand, and immediately skeletal servants bearing platters of fresh fruit and goblets of chilled nectar materialized. Hermes smiled weakly. 

“Thank you,” he said. “That would be lovely, but unfortunately we need to get going. Right, Apollo?” He elbowed Apollo, who had frozen into some ridiculous kung-fu stance the second Persephone spoke. The wannabe-ninja toppled over.

“Ah, Persephone!” he said, springing back up and shooting her his million-ray smile. “Actually, Hermes, I think some refreshment would be lovely. After all, it’s been so long since we’ve seen our dear uncle! Certainly your mail orders can wait a few minutes.” He slung his arms around Persephone and Hermes and began marching them towards the palace. 

“Keep your eye out,” he muttered in Hermes’ ear. “This is the perfect opportunity to observe them in their lair.”

Persephone beamed and slipped forward to lead the way. Hermes groaned. He’d give it twenty minutes, tops.

Persephone led them to a surprisingly cozy sitting room with wall-to-wall bookshelves and a large fireplace. “I’ll go fetch Hades,” she said, sitting them down in a couple of squashy red armchairs. “You two make yourselves comfortable.” 

Apollo flashed her another dazzling grin. Hermes tried to follow, but he suspected it was more of a grimace. She smiled back anyway, and left.

Immediately Apollo jumped up and began inspecting the bookcases. 

Hermes resisted the urged to bury his face in his hands. “What are you doing now?”

“Secret book door!” Apollo hissed, sniffing a copy of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment suspiciously. “The Bat Cave has to be somewhere.” He threw the book over his shoulder and leaned close to the ebony frame, his ear against the wood. “Do you hear anything suspicious?”

“Besides the usual eerie muttering of the recently deceased?” Hermes asked, leaning over to pick up the fallen book. “Apollo, for Gaia’s sake, why would the Lord of the Underworld want to dress up as a bat and fight crime?”

Apollo huffed. “Revenge, obviously!” he exclaimed. “Don’t you know anything about Batman? He always does it to avenge his murdered parents!”

“Apollo, Hades was a destroyer of his own father.”

“They still could have formed a bond!”

“Kronos swallowed him whole.”

“Family relationships are messy, okay?!”

“Just sit down before he gets here!”

Apollo glared at him before reluctantly moving to sit in the next armchair. Hermes rubbed at his temples and checked his watch. He really did have work to get back to. They both jumped as the heavy black door creaked open.

“Sorry for the wait!” Persephone trilled, setting down a tray full of honey cakes in one hand and yanking in her husband with the other. “Hades was being difficult.”

The Lord of the Dead pried his arm away and brushed off his suit. His dark eyes looked at them suspiciously as he lowered his lithe form into an armchair with all the grace of a circling hellhound. “Whatever you want, it’s not happening,”

Persephone hit him. “What did I say about being nice?” she hissed. She turned back to her brothers and smiled again, somewhat more strained. “So, what’s new in the upper world this winter?”

Hermes took a honey cake and tried to convey to his uncle telepathically that he was here under duress. “Nothing much. The Boreads have gone on strike again. Zeus’s been trying overrule their position as we can’t really afford whacked weather patterns with the state of global warming this year.”

Persephone nodded, but Hades wasn’t paying attention. He and Apollo were staring at each other, Apollo looking vaguely manic and Hades somewhat disturbed.

Hermes reached to pull his brother back from the edge of his seat, silently begging the Fates to let this blow over. “Poseidon’s been really upset—“

“And we’ve had,” Apollo interrupted, “some strange things going on in the mortal justice section. In regards,” he paused dramatically, “to crime."

Hades raised an eyebrow. “No extreme serial killers, surely?” he asked. “I would have noticed the victims.”

“No,” Hermes said. “There’s been nothing strange at all, Apollo’s just been watching too many cop shows. This has been lovely, really, but we should get going—"

“But I suppose you would know all about that,” Apollo continued, ignoring Hermes’ frantic waving. “Being in contact with the commissioner and all.”

Hades looked even more confused. “This isn’t really the place to investigate whoever’s pissed you off in the living world, Apollo, I thought that was obvious.”

“Oh, so obvious!” Apollo lunged out of his seat, his face triumphant. “Isn’t it a little rich to set yourself up as a god of law and order when you’re conducting secret vigilante work behind our backs?!” He raised an arm and pointed dramatically to the ceiling. “Well, I for one will not stand for it! Do your worst, Dark Knight, for the Great Apollo will uncover the truth!”

At this point Hermes, deciding to take matters into his own wings before they blasted into Tartarus, grabbed his brother, muttered something about bad mushrooms, and took advantage of his special route to zip them out of there. 

Hades stared at the leftover dust cloud openmouthed. 

“Did…Did he accuse me of being a knight?” he managed, completely bewildered. 

Persephone had her hands over her mouth and was nearly gasping with laughter.   
“Oh sweet Gaia,” she choked. “At least he’s given me some new cosplay ideas.”

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at writing these losers!
> 
> I have more ideas for this story, mainly involving Apollo bothering people as that's what I seem to think is funny. Zeus will probably show up. And Artemis. Oh, poor Artemis. Perhaps we'll expand to an Olympic DC pantheon. (I make no promises.) :)
> 
> I have no beta, so if you see any mistakes, please tell me!


End file.
